DORIANN STUBBS' PERSONAL STORY
An Accounting 2012 (A Her-story)
An eternal being...
Born and raised as what most would label a Mormon fundamentalist. I chuckle because I have found myself to be a curious explorer, finding challenges and erasing manmade boundaries to be my better self; JOY from day one when I came out bum first... just to have that experience too! Not to wise putting myself and not to forget to mention my poor mom, dad, auntie and the whole clinic of caring people through a lot more than they ever bargained for... though angels attended and saved the day as they have to do so often for us adventuresome types…
When family betrayals peaked to its highest maximum I was in my middle teens. Our Mother figure went into self-discovery (who am I really) and our dad figure went into self-discovery (who am I really)... As a "court ordered child", being controlled by what the court deemed would be best for me... Imade other plans... I ran away to Mexico to relatives to escape the power over of the United States of America. I ran to relatives who had similar religious conditioning that I had grown up with and said yes to a marriage proposal at age 16 with great hopes of someday living the principle of plural marriage and being the best mother and wife I could be... We birthed eight blessed children in my first marriage into our codependent misery, our beliefs system impeded on us greatly from unreasonable expectations of each other's role, which caused intense pain and suffering and changed our ability to value one another as we had in the beginning. We both began to search for love elsewhere which ended in a divorce.
Living back in the USA where I had spent my youth I began the proper proceedings in my childhood culture to join a man I had loved as a child and his wife (my blood sister), in plural marriage at the age 32, believing that celestial marriage was going to be my safety and way back into the presence of my Heavenly Parents. And if I failed I would never see them or Christ again and would be a single angel forever without the ability to have any children ever. I sincerely believed that God had sent an angel with a sword to kill Joseph Smith if he did not take as many wives as possible and have children with them. I believed that my only safety and security that my heart, mind and soul longed for more than anything else this world had to offer, was in my success as a plural wife... and one week in plural marriage, my life's fantasy of celestial marriage was shattered, and alcohol soon became my recourse. Later suicide became my plan of escape. But my need for my children's safety propelled me on. And so me, my husband, my sister and our children suffered beyond our worst nightmares witnessing our self-disregard and self-disrespect as well as our betrayals of one another. Trust was broken on such extreme levels and hearts were broken over and over... years in hopelessness took over and dysfunction became the norm. And finally in order to provide any sense of safety I returned my first eight children to their original dad because I had no way of keeping them safe from the control over and abuses that were raging among two women's insecurities (Sara and Hagar).
It became beyond apparent the impossibility of trying to merge the two bloodlines with blood and guts everywhere.
I changed locations with my 5 youngest and began to search for someone else again that we could feel safe with to raise my children, and in the meantime still tried to work things out with my second husband.
I had longed for my own parent's unity and tried to do what might be possible? During the year 2009 living separate lives, seeing my husband and older children once a month I came across the Marvelous Work And Wonder® [MWAW] and the world as I had always known it began to come undone.
At the time I was a skeptic of everything and yet the truth was kind and gentle as it shattered my addiction to misery, fear, lack, dogma, unreasonable expectations of myself and others. It takes time and conscious effort (line upon line and precept upon precept) because there are so many false perceptions. And this is still the case even though so many aspects of life have never set well or made much sense to me. I have had so many questions that none could stay conscious with or answer... as I have grown up and continue to do so I have had so many, many questions that now can be answered :-) and wow as I am given back true reality I have had to step back and take breaks in between the answers I receive, and weed my garden daily :-)
Some of True Reality has taken me so off guard; I haven't really known how to undo all that I was conditioned to as fast as I would like. And then I remember sufficient the day thereof, one day at a time... Something my mama exemplified for me... Especially when true reality seems to be far from what we are living on mama earth right now... In the grace of the internal and external shifts and changes that are happening I have noticed times of feeling embarrassed to be me, embarrassed to be here, embarrassed to have a human form, embarrassed to talk, embarrassed to be an EGO walking around speaking a language that reveals my ignorance, embarrassed to try at anything it seems so unrealistic as it is now, embarrassed for my feelings of being alone... tired... frustrated... angry... scared, embarrassed because it is highly likely I am going to make more unreasonable choices because of my conditioning! And Angels here on Earth remind me it's OK, my Dad being one of them.
In 2010 my polygamous husband bless his heart vowed he could love and care for me and the children regardless of my beliefs... We with pure intention, spent several more years trying to survive our major life differences, in spite of literally losing most of my hair. I lived in fear watching my baby's being programmed, growing up and becoming mine, their dad's and my sister's dysfunctions and the religion and so called righteousness perpetrate on all of our souls.
And so I went underground, so to speak, deep within and continued to get my many, questions answers through the MWAW. My opportunity to grow up and start taking more and more accountability for my own happiness was my very reason for existence in such a world as mine. I walked in a precarious set of circumstances realizing the pace I would need to make my life changes was crucial in order to not lose my younger children. Though codependency was still alive and well my answers were propelling me in a new direction. Stripping me of the Fear of God, of the fear of the world, fear of myself, fear of others, fear in all its shades and colors period.
The importance of taking action steps into my personal happiness has become the name of the game of my life, and opposition from any a gift, my refiner's fire. We as Human Beings have been so conditioned to what we believe to be the right or wrong way... I realize I will always get to make choices to be the balance that I like to mentor.
I sometimes still stumble and fall down, make messes, and get to clean them up. My hearts true desire is to experience more and more of my best self, and more quality time with everyone I have the privileged to commune with. And I stand in peace that I now get to be the most useful purpose here on earth and fulfill my soul's greater purpose, because of the respect and regard others have dedicated throughout time for all of Humanity. And this brings tears of joy straight from my heart that we have each been so valued and invested with such time, talents and resources.
I am thankful for those who are on earth enjoying this quest with me, being such blessed caregivers of all of us Gods children. Thank you to all of you who are now willing to join and help unwind the conditioning we agreed to subject ourselves too and then overcome and enjoy more peace, love and joy than we have ever known. Blessed Be those who will inspire many others to do the same. I am indebted to the MWAW for all that me and my children have co-created in such a short time. For the peace of mind we have the privileged of living out the rest of our lives in the simplicity True Reality offers us... Thank you God the Father and Mother for who you are and why you exist and the happiness you have in our experiencing our happiness... soul bumps and tear of joy to all
Sincerely, a daughter, sister, and friend forever :-)