Chapter 17: Church Security

Church_Security DHS

Grandkids, you will have probably heard and read quite a few things about your ol’ Grandpa.  More than likely, most are bad things.  Most are filled with hate.  Most are a cause of people not properly understanding the choices that I have made in my life.

I am not a son any longer.  I am not a brother any longer.  I am not a father or a grandfather any longer.  I am not an uncle, a cousin, a nephew, or a friend any longer.

I am a True Messenger.

Now, many will say, “Christopher lost it.  He gave up his kids and grandkids, his family, and his friends to become this crazy ‘True Messenger’.”

As I finish out this autobiography, you will learn that I did everything I could, for many years, to be part of my family, especially to be a dad to your parents.  In fact, every time I was in jail, it was a direct or indirect result of Grandpa trying to be involved in your parents’ lives.

You will come to understand why Grandpa could no longer find happiness being involved with the few children who did allow me access to them.  As I saw you, my grandchildren, being shaped by your parents, who were shaped by this world, becoming dependent on this world, the hurt was too much for me to bear.  Once I had ensured that they were financially and emotionally secure in their worldly choices, I had nothing else to offer Brittany, Joshua, and Rachael, my children who allowed me to see them.  I could no longer bear the burden of watching your innocence and purity be polluted by this evil world …

Wait, let me rephrase that …

I could no longer bear the burden of watching your innocence and purity be polluted by the evil people of this world.

The world itself is awesome, or rather, it could be awesome.  Nature used to be awesome.  But since the early beginnings of time, when humans started messing with it, nature responded and started to not be so awesome.   Ask any who have experienced an earthquake, hurricane, or tornado.

But let me add the following amendment to the above:

Current mortal people are evil, but their True Selves are incredible.  The first humans on this planet were incredible people because the things that cause people to become evil didn’t exist then.  As I said, nature was perfect.  There weren’t any animals, viruses, or bacterium that could kill a human.  Nature was the perfect place where humans could exist … yeah, okay, let’s go ahead and call the earth in the beginning: the perfect paradise, a Garden of Eden.

When Grandpa throws a few religious terms out there to help you understand things better, just consider them, but NEVER, EVER, accept them as the Real Truth.

Again, and again, and again there is nothing about religion, religious beliefs, religious dogma, or anything in religious writings that is Real Truth … ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Think about it … okay, let’s patronize (to treat with apparent kindness, which betrays a feeling of superiority) the Bible believers for a moment and say that the entire human race started with just one white man and one white woman … yeah, really … Adam and Eve.  What religion did they have?  What priesthood authority did Adam have?  What scripture did they read?  How could they have possibly been able to talk with God when they were cast out of God’s presence?  If God wanted to continue to talk to them, God wouldn’t have cast them out of his presence.  Right?

But even so, let’s keep on patronizing  …

Aren’t we all, then, part of the EXACT SAME FAMILY UNIT?

You know what?  Bear with me for a moment here …

I want to show you how blind people are when it comes to the clues that they were given by one of my mentors, clues that were meant to shed some light on things.  In this case, the human family of Adam and Eve.

One of my mentors, the advanced human who lived upon the earth during his last incarnate as Joseph Smith, Jr., taught his followers that Cain and Abel were not Adam and Eve’s first children.  Yeah.  Really!

Joseph made up a lot of shit during his life that caused the people who followed him to stumble.  And yep, he was told by our mutual mentors to make up a lot of shit to make the people stumble.  He even provided his followers with a clue to explain that he had been commanded by God to make up a lot of shit so that they would stumble:

But behold, the [LDS/Mormon people] were a stiffnecked people; and they despised the words of plainness, and [eventually] killed [Joseph Smith], and sought for things that they could not understand.  Wherefore, because of their blindness, which blindness came by looking beyond the mark, they must needs fall; for God hath taken away his plainness from them, and delivered unto them many things which they cannot understand, because they desired it. And because they desired it God hath done it, that they may stumble.”  (Compare BOM, Jacob 4:14.)

Now, Grandpa knows religious scriptures better than any public person upon this earth, especially the Bible and the Book of Mormon.  I know LDS/Mormon history better than any public person on Earth.  And, after reading below, you’ll come to understand why Grandpa also knows the LDS/Mormon Church better than any public person.

But anyways …

Joseph tried to give his followers clues that what they believed about the Bible was horse shit … that the Bible itself was horse shit.  Yeah.  Really!

(Read BOM, 1 Nephi 13:20-29 very carefully and you’ll see the clues that are clear about the Bible being horse shit … okay, without the profanity … ‘corrupted’, so that “an exceedingly great many do stumble, yea, insomuch that Satan hath great power over them.”)

Oh, and by the way, Joseph Smith swore like a sailor, but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … you don’t want the modern LDS/Mormon people to know that.  One of his followers confronted his vulgarity and told him that it was unbecoming of the Lord’s mouthpiece.  To which Joseph replied:

I love that man better who swears a stream as long as my arm yet deals justice to his neighbors and mercifully deals his substance to the poor, than the long, smooth-faced hypocrite.  (The Teachings of The Prophet Joseph Smith, page 303.)

So, fuck all ya all who don’t like my profanity-laced writings.  But anyways …

Check out how blind the LDS/Mormon people are to the clues that they were given.  In the following scripture, Joseph changed some things around so that they contradicted the Bible story about Adam, Eve, Cain, and Abel.

As you read along, pay particular attention to verse 2, verse 12, and then verse 16.  This is empirical evidence of how blind the LDS/Mormons are.

Ask any one of them: “What were the names of Adam’s first children?”

Their answer will always be: “Cain and Abel.”

Then read their own scripture to them.  And then they will get uncomfortable.  And if they are a priesthood holder or a leader, they will get a bit perturbed, and some will get visibly angry.

Check it out:

1  And it came to pass that after I, the Lord God, had driven them out, that Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him.

2  And Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth.

3  And from that time forth, the sons and daughters of Adam began to divide two and two in the land, and to till the land, and to tend flocks, and they also begat sons and daughters.

4  And Adam and Eve, his wife, called upon the name of the Lord, and they heard the voice of the Lord from the way toward the Garden of Eden, speaking unto them, and they saw him not; for they were shut out from his presence.

5  And he gave unto them commandments, that they should worship the Lord their God, and should offer the firstlings of their flocks, for an offering unto the Lord. And Adam was obedient unto the commandments of the Lord.

6  And after many days an angel of the Lord appeared unto Adam, saying: Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord? And Adam said unto him: I know not, save the Lord commanded me.

7  And then the angel spake, saying: This thing is a similitude of the sacrifice of the Only Begotten of the Father, which is full of grace and truth.

8  Wherefore, thou shalt do all that thou doest in the name of the Son, and thou shalt repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore.

9  And in that day the Holy Ghost fell upon Adam, which beareth record of the Father and the Son, saying: I am the Only Begotten of the Father from the beginning, henceforth and forever, that as thou hast fallen thou mayest be redeemed, and all mankind, even as many as will.

10  And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.

11  And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.

12  And Adam and Eve blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto their sons and their daughters.

13 And Satan came among them, saying: I am also a son of God; and he commanded them, saying: Believe it not; and they believed it not, and they loved Satan more than God. And men began from that time forth to be carnal, sensual, and devilish.

14  And the Lord God called upon men by the Holy Ghost everywhere and commanded them that they should repent;

15  And as many as believed in the Son, and repented of their sins, should be saved; and as many as believed not and repented not, should be damned; and the words went forth out of the mouth of God in a firm decree; wherefore they must be fulfilled.

16  And Adam and Eve, his wife, ceased not to call upon God. And Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bare Cain, and said: I have gotten a man from the Lord; wherefore he may not reject his words. But behold, Cain hearkened not, saying: Who is the Lord that I should know him?

17 And she again conceived and bare his brother Abel. And Abel hearkened unto the voice of the Lord. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.  (Moses, chapter 5)

Joseph Smith changed a lot of the accepted narrative of the Bible.  Not so that the people would stumble, because the corrupt Bible was already making people stumble (see BOMJacob 4:14).  Joseph Smith did everything that he was allowed to do to give clues to the people that they were dumb shits for believing in religion.

Remember the temple endowment play that Grandpa mentioned, and will mention again when appropriate?

Joseph’s clue couldn’t have been clearer.  But the LDS/Mormon people are so blind, they cannot see.

Here’s the actual part of the play (presentation):


ADAM: Oh God, hear the words of my mouth.  Oh God, hear the words of my mouth.  Oh God, hear the words of my mouth.

(As Adam prays, Lucifer approaches from behind out of the shadows.)

LUCIFER: I hear you; what is it you want?

(Although Adam has already encountered Lucifer in the Garden of Eden, he fails to recognize him at this appearance.) 

ADAM: Who are you?

LUCIFER: I am the God of this world.

ADAM: You, the God of this world?

LUCIFER: Yes, what do you want?

ADAM: I am looking for messengers.

LUCIFER: Oh, you want someone to preach to you. You want religion, do you? [There will be many willing to preach to you the philosophies of men, mingled with scripture.]


 

(NOTE: the character Lucifer’s last line above was changed in 1990 when the LDS/Mormon leaders took out one of the main characters of the play, the Minister.  In Joseph’s original play, the Lucifer character’s last line in the above part [without the sentence in brackets above] is: “I will have preachers here presently.”  The modern LDS/Mormon leaders did not want the world to think that the endowment is saying that all religion and preachers are led by Lucifer.  But that was EXACTLY what Joseph was implying.)

Joseph presented this play to his followers shortly before he was murdered.  He was screaming at them that ALL religion, including the one that he was commanded to give the people to make them stumble, was from Lucifer.

You see, Grandkids, what Grandpa is saying here is that everyone who believes in religion, of any kind, is a dumb shit.  Now, that’s just not nice!  Right?  No, it’s not nice.  But it is the role of a True Messenger.  And as a True Messenger, it is not good that people come around me unless they want to hear the Real Truth about things.

Yep, it’s true.  Above, where the Adam character tells Lucifer, who is the ONLY god of this world, that he (Adam) is looking for messengers … Grandpa’s that messenger.  And this fact makes a lot of people in this world, basically the entire world, hate me and think I’m nuts.

People have to convince themselves that I am nuts.  Because if I’m right, the world is FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond Repair).

Keep this in mind:

It is not that I think that I am too good to be around my family and others.  It is that I think that it is not good for me, or for them, for me to be around.

If you ever want to be around your Grandpa, then you have three choices of what person you want me to be at the meeting: (1) Grandpa, (2) your True Messenger, or (3) a stranger.

If you choose to come around me as your Grandpa, I’ll treat you like you’d expect a Grandpa to treat his grandkids.  I’ll spoil the shit out of ya!

If you choose to come around me as your True Messenger, I’ll destroy any sense of worth and value that you have come to believe is important.  I’ll destroy those things that lead to success in the world that you have become co-dependent upon, which you rely on for your happiness and approval.

And, if you choose to come around me as a stranger, I’ll treat you like I do all strangers.  I treat strangers like the experience of being with me is THEIRS alone; that I am a part of THEIR universe.  And I will treat you like you’re the center of the universe and the most important person in it … because you are!

Now,

I am your parents’ father.  A father is not a grandfather.  A father is supposed to be respected for his wisdom and knowledge.  A father is expected to teach his children right from wrong.  I’ve never done this to your parents (taught them what I believe is right from wrong).  I tried a bit with Brittany, Joshua, and Rachael.  But just a bit.  They rejected anything I had to say because they do not respect me.  They didn’t grow up around me, so the father-child respect dynamic that should exist, did not develop.

If your parents had chosen to come around me now, once I had proclaimed my true purpose in life as a True Messenger, I’d start being a father to them and tell them what I think they’re doing wrong.  And they’re not going to like it.  It would not be good for them or for me.

If any of your parents were to speak of me—and there’s a good chance that most of your parents will do everything within their power to keep you from knowing anything about me—it is possible that they would say that I abandoned them, that I didn’t want to be a father.  And that would not be the truth.  That would be something that they needed to tell themselves in order to feel good about speaking ill of me.

As long as Grandpa is a bad person, my children and grandchildren are emotionally okay with avoiding me.  Their mothers and your grandmothers made sure that Grandpa was always presented as a bad person while your parents were growing up.  It’s the justification and reasoning that your grandmothers used to keep me from having anything to do with them.  Your dad is crazy.  Your dad is a manipulator who will deceive you.  Sigh … But anyways …

Like I explained before, except for Paula, none of your grandmothers left me and thought of me as a monster, a deceiver, and a manipulator until after I left each of them.  And in Grandma Paula’s case, she gave up custody of Brittany and Joshua.  And after my father pulled his stunt of trying to have me arrested, after the Snohomish Sheriff sent him, Paula, and her dad packing, Paula believed that there was nothing else she could do to see Brittany and Joshua until they grew up and sought her out.  (More details on this as they become relevant to the chronological order of events.)

The world hates me.  It hates me because I testify of it, that the works thereof are evil … way evil.

I testify that the family is an evil institution because it isolates mortals into small, special groups of a few that place more value on their few members than they do on the rest of humanity.  I testify that unless the human race starts to see each person as an equal, unless the world unites as one family unit, it will continue to be evil.

A man filled with the true love of God, is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race.”

I could not testify that the family is an evil institution unless I had the personal, empirical evidence, that it is.  For this reason, I chose to be born into the Nemelka family, one of the most popular LDS/Mormon families of the 1960s.  My grandfather was a candidate for Mayor.  My uncle was a District Attorney.  Another uncle was a basketball player and one of the most popular athletes in the State of Utah.   The world would view the Nemelka family as a good LDS/Mormon family.  But from my experience of being a member of this family, it is evil … way evil.

I testify that all nations within established borders of this world, and the political divisions that support them, are all evil.  And that the United States Constitution was established by wealthy men who wanted to protect their personal interests and profits, allowing them control over the money system and over everything else.  I testify that the legal processes, the court systems, the institutions of judges and lawyers, especially of lawyers, are evil and counterproductive to a fair due process of justice.  The world sees their political processes, especially the U.S. Constitution as good.  But from my experience of being involved in government and the court system, it is evil … way evil.

But even more evil than family and government is religion.  Religion creates the evil in family and government.  Religion is the most evil thing that has existed and can exist in society … way evil.  But I would never have known this from firsthand, empirical evidence, unless I was able to find out everything that there is to know about religion.

When one of my future mentors met me in the bathroom at the Army’s DLI in California, and told me to stay close to the Lord and to the Church, he knew what he was doing.

As I explained, after that, because I believed that he was either an angel from God who had come to visit me unawares …

“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”  (Hebrews 13:2)

… or one of the Three Nephites, I became an LDS/Mormon fanatic.  I began to serve my religion with all my heart and soul.

Paula and I returned to Utah and I started working again for Paramount Acceptance. Shortly thereafter, I applied and was hired as a Security officer for the LDS/Mormon Church, early in 1985.

Paula got pregnant again.  Her mother, Dora Mae Blades, was also a very religious woman, on the fanatical side.  Her mother convinced us to have our second child at home.  With the help of an LDS/Mormon midwife, Paula delivered our first son, Joshua Marc, on January 20, 1986, on the kitchen floor of our two-bedroom apartment in Holliday, Utah (4655 Locust Lane).  It was in the same apartment complex, but not the same apartment, where Brittany had been born over two years earlier.

When Paula delivered Brittany, she had all the comforts of the hospital and the help of a team of doctors and nurses, and most importantly, an epidural that took away all the pain of delivery.  Paula delivered Joshua with only her faith in God, in me, and in her mother—a faith that was being tested to the max.  One can only imagine what must have been going through that young girl’s mind as she subjected herself to her husband’s and mother’s faith.  You’d have to ask Paula why she did this.  I really don’t know.

Paula’s mother was present at the birth with the midwife.  I kept little Brittany in the other room and shut the door.  Brittany was visibly upset and peed her pants.  This was the first and only time I spanked Brittany, which I regret to this day.  Brittany only wanted attention and was probably scared to death, hearing her mother groan in pain.

Paula was a trooper.  I couldn’t believe how strong she was.  I sincerely thought she was one of the strongest women I had ever known.  Paula probably will never know how much I loved and respected her that day.

Shortly after Joshua’s birth, after the midwife had left, Paula’s mother did what she does … what made Paula want to leave home and marry me in the first place … she tried to completely control the situation.  She and I argued.  Paula gently called me into the bedroom, where she was cradling Joshua.

“Please be patient with my mom,” she sweetly pleaded with me.

That melted my heart and bound me to Paula, not in a way that would benefit her, but in a way that would benefit me.

She had given birth to my firstborn son.  Joshua would receive the Holy Priesthood from me and carry on the Nemelka name and lineage throughout time and all eternity … oh, barf … but anyways, that’s how I felt at the time.

I was as righteous as any man could be.  I had repented of all my sins by confessing them to the Bishop, and was forgiven.  I was working for the Lord, protecting the ONLY true church of God on Earth.  Brittany and Joshua were MY eternal posterity.  Paula was MY eternal mate.  If Paula and I were going to make it to the Celestial Kingdom of God, she would have to do it at my side, regardless of how many other women might be there once the Lord brought back plural marriage during the millennium.   Yeah.  Really!  That’s what I thought.  That’s what I was taught by God’s leaders.

And Grandkids, don’t let a modern LDS/Mormon tell you otherwise.  Mormon doctrine is that “the holy practice [of plural marriage] will commence again after the Second Coming of the Son of Man and the ushering in of the millennium.” (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1958; second edition, 1966, 578.)

Anytime there was a worldwide semi-annual conference held by the Church, all Security officers would be required to work, usually in pairs.  Single women from all over the world would come to Temple Square for Conference.  I heard this statement more often than I can count from my security companions when they’d see a beautiful woman:

“I can’t wait until the Lord brings back polygamy!”

I was disgusted.

Yep.  I had Paula.  She was very beautiful.  I had two beautiful kids.  Not one time did I ever want another woman.  In fact, Paula’s beauty made me jealousy.  Wherever we would go, other men would stare at her.  I’d get jealous.  She was MY eternal mate.  These men had no right lusting after her.

It is quite a story about how I was hired as a security officer for the LDS Church.  Here’s the short version:

I met a man named Jeff Thomas, quite a religious fanatic in his own right, the same week that I was told by the mysterious man to stay close to the Church.  I alienated myself from Gary Yarn, my previous friend.  He and his wife are the ones Paula and I had lived with.  I began to spend all the time I could with Jeff.

When Jeff completed his training, he, his wife Brenda, and their children moved to Utah.  Jeff was hired at Church Security.  Jeff and I were in touch and he told me that I should apply.  I did, but there were no openings at that time.  But the very day that I turned in my application, although there were no openings, the True God showed his magic.

The lady at the front desk of the Church’s Human Resources took my application and told me she would file it and I would be contacted if any positions opened up.  Who knows how many applications were “on file.”

I turned to leave and she said, “Nemelka?  You’re a Nemelka?  Are you related to Dick Nemelka?”

Walking away, I turned briefly and said, “Yes.  He’s my uncle.”

“Wait a minute,” she said.  She disappeared to the back.

She must have been one of my Uncle Dick’s many fans in the late ’60s and early ’70s.

I don’t know what she did.  I don’t know what she said.  They had already chosen a man to fill the last position that was open.  He was on an upper floor of the Church Office Building waiting for his final interview.

The Human Resources Director came out with my application in his hand.  He immediately took me to the floor where the Security department was.  He had arranged for my first interview.  He sat me down right next to the guy who was there for his final interview.

I got the job.  During my first interview, one of the security department heads who interviewed me said, “I feel you are a one-of-a-kind golden interview.”

Yep.  God wanted me to have that job.

I’m sure some readers want me to dish on all the stuff I found out while working church security.  The enemies and critics of the LDS/Mormon Church are hoping for salacious things that might make the Church look bad.  There are none.  Sorry.  There’s nothing of any nefarious (wicked or criminal) nature to report.  But what I did find out, I’ll briefly summarize below.

I was loyal and respectful of my security position until the end of 1985.

In October of 1985, a guy named Mark Hoffman forged a bunch of church documents, and then killed a couple of people to cover up his forgeries.  While bringing one of his bombs to the Church Office Buildings, presumably for one of the General Authorities who had been involved in some of his forgery transactions, he reached in his car to retrieve it and blew himself up.  I was sitting at my security post in the Genealogy Library when I heard and felt the explosion.  It happened only a block away.  Our security radio frequency went crazy.

I was not directly involved in our security department investigation of the Hoffman bombings and murders.  But all of the security officers were intensely involved in any reports or knowledge that we could obtain from what our department heads knew of the Hoffman bombings.

What I did see and hear is how the Church authorities began to mislead the public, in order to distance themselves from Mark Hoffman.  One leader in particular, Gordon B. Hinkley, who at the time was the prophet, seer, and revelator of God’s ONLY true and living church upon Earth, publicly stated in a press release that he had never met Hoffman.  When I heard that Hinkley had said this, it was as if God had said it.

Check out this picture from a major Salt Lake City newspaper:

Hoffman-papers
From left to right: Mark Hoffman, First Counselor to the First Presidency, N. Eldon Tanner, Prophet and President Spencer W. Kimball, Second Counselor to the First Presidency, Marion G. Romney, Apostle Boyd K. Packer, and Apostle Gordon B. Hinkley

 

At the time, I was okay with Gordon Hinkley’s press announcement that he had never met with Hoffman.  The picture above was years before.  Maybe Hinkley meant that he never personally met with Hoffman.  But there’s no doubt, especially in light of the empirical evidence above, that MY prophet, the Lord’s spokesman upon Earth, the ONLY one, MY prophet who signed my mission calling, MY beloved prophet, seer, and revelator, had been duped, many times over, by a forger and murderer.

WTF?  This didn’t sit well with me.

What was the Church trying to hide?  Why were they buying all these forged documents from Hoffman from early church history?

These questions weighed heavily on my mind for quite some time, but were diffused by the birth of Joshua.  After Joshua was born, my testimony and resolution to be the best member of the Church I could be couldn’t have been any stronger.  I felt this was necessary in order for me to solidify and guarantee my eternal family, as the mysterious man had counseled me.

I thought Paula was on board with me.  And when she wasn’t, I would enforce the rules of the Church with my priesthood authority over her.  Even if she was miserable doing it, I was going to make sure we did everything that was necessary to reach the Celestial Kingdom with our children.  Paula tried.  Oh, how Grandma Paula tried.  But her unhappiness at being a young stay-at-home mother wore her down.  I could sense her unhappiness.  She was a great wife and a good mother, but she was not happy doing it.

I remember seeing her miserable and saying one day before I left for work, “If you’re going to be that unhappy, then why don’t you just go home.”  I didn’t really mean it.  I was just upset that her misery would result in our inability to please God and keep the counsel and commandments of the Church leaders.

I came home from work that day and she was gone.  Everything in the apartment was gone, including MY children.  Her family and my own brother, Mike, had come to the apartment while I was at work and moved her out.

I cried.  NO, I wept profusely.  I remember feeling this intense and incredible feeling of the devil come over me.  I felt Lucifer, himself, had overcome me.  In desperation, I called my brothers, Cory and Mike, and cried.  I pleaded with them to come and save me from the darkness of the adversary.  They didn’t come that day, but they came the next.  They gave me a blessing and told me to be strong.  I thought that it was pretty cool that they would do that.  That would be the last cool thing that either one of them would do for me.  Cory would come to despise me and would be called of God in one of his dreams to protect others from me.  Yeah.  Really!

I had felt the devil’s presence before, but nothing like how I felt it the day after Paula had left me.  My eternal family unit was being destroyed.  Why would God do this to me?  I was doing everything right.  I was even working for God and had dedicated my entire life to His service … to the building up of the kingdom of God on Earth … as I had covenanted to do when I took out my sacred vows in the temple.

But I couldn’t be mad at God.  He was God.  But maybe, so I began to think, it was the Church’s fault.  Maybe the Church wasn’t all it claimed to be.  Maybe the Church needed to repent, not me.  Because I was hurt, something had to make sense as to why God allowed my beloved children to be taken away and my eternal family unit disrupted.  This was the first time in my life that I started to doubt the Church.

Had Paula not left me, I would have never doubted.  I would have never started to investigate these doubts.  Paula was obviously the right woman, the one that my True Self chose to be a wife for me to start a family with.

For the first few months after Paula was gone, I started to investigate my church behind the scenes.  I got into every file I could.  I got into the desks and personal files of almost every one of the Twelve Apostles, First Presidency, and other heads of the Church.  I would rummage through their unlocked personal lockers in the temple, in a locker room where only they … and security … could go.

I spent a lot of time in the historical department of the Church, trying to find out the things about which the Church was so worried concerning Mormon history.  I was finding out things that I could have never imagined as a lay member.

And then God stopped me.

Joshua was 6 months old when got bacterial spinal meningitis.  There was a chance that my little boy could die.  He was in intensive care in Kalispell, Montana.  I was in Utah.  I drove as fast as I could and rushed to his side.  It was terrible seeing my little boy in a bubble, the only access to him being the built-in gloves that kept him quarantined.  I reached for my son with tears in my eyes.  He saw me and cried out as he reached for me.  I have never felt anything like the love that I felt for Joshua at that time.  It was very hard.  There wasn’t anything I could do for my son.

Paula was sitting in the corner of the room silent.  She could barely look at me.  I told her I would stay with Joshua that night so that she could go home and get some rest.  She left without saying hardly anything.  The next couple of days were agonizing, but Joshua soon made a complete recovery.  I returned to Utah.

The next day, Paula called me and told me that she wanted to give me custody of the kids, that I could be a better parent to our kids than she could.  I thought that her decision was incredibly unselfish, but of course, what God wanted.  Paula’s family and my father tried to talk her out of it.  My father drove to Montana, met with Paula and her parents at their home and explained the legalities of giving up custody of the kids.  Paula didn’t care.  She signed the papers that my dad had brought with him to Montana.  My dad and Gloria brought my precious kids back to me and God’s ONLY true and living church upon Earth.

Paula had made her decision.  So what if I lost her for time.  If she wanted to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, she would still be mine.  But now, I had full custody of my precious kids.

I had been blessed by God in getting my children back.  As a single dad, working full time, I was being courted by a lot of single LDS/Mormon women who wanted a young, handsome, ready-made family.  I was on top of the world.  I stopped investigating the Church.  But the things that I had seen and researched did not leave my mind.  I was just distracted for a minute.

Now, I needed a mother for my two kids.  I dated a lot.  I kept the commandments, but kissed a lot of women, some who wanted much more than a kiss, but most I refused.  I got close with one, but luckily she stopped us because she wanted to do things right, according to God.  I respected that.  Nothing was more important to me than my two children.  In fact, if Brittany didn’t like the girl I was dating, I wouldn’t date her again.  I couldn’t find the right fit for me and the kids.

One day, while working in the Church Museum, I asked one of the restoration artists working there if she knew any really good girls I could date.  She said that she did, just one: Jackie Stoll, a daughter of one of her friends.  I asked her to set up a time when Jackie could come to the museum and meet me.  She did.  Jackie came.  I was sitting at the front desk when Jackie walked through the door.  She was beautiful and very nice.  I didn’t tell her who I was at first.  I asked her if she was there to meet Christopher Nemelka.  I started telling her she was crazy for wanting to meet Nemelka, because he was weird.

As I walked around the museum with Jackie, intentionally leading her where I told her Christopher was, I had her thinking that this guy was the worst decision she could possibly make, playfully, of course.  Jackie took the bait.  I could tell she was pretty concerned from what I was saying, so I finally said,

“Are you ready to meet him?”

She took a deep breath and said, “I suppose.”

“Well, I’m him.”

She hit me.

Brittany liked Jackie from the beginning.  And Jackie completely adored little Joshua who was not yet one year old.  Jackie and I dated and got pretty close, but there was one thing that kept me from committing to her and taking the next step.  Her name was Alicia Ester Olexen, the incredible Argentinian I had left on my mission.  I didn’t tell Jackie this at the time, however.

Our physical interactions were getting pretty intense, and I think she got a bit scared and wanted things to proceed according to the normal steps of our religion, before we had sex.  I agreed and backed off.  Jackie stopped dating me for a while because I wouldn’t take that next step.

I hadn’t seen Jackie for a couple of months.  I was frustrated with all the women I was dating trying to find a mother for my kids, with Alicia always in the back of my mind.  Finally, I fasted and prayed with all my heart and soul that the Lord would please send me the right woman.

The third day of my fast, I was hungry as hell.  I was working in the Church Museum and remember thinking that I couldn’t fast much longer.  The Lord had better give me that woman.  The moment I was thinking this, I happened upon a large model of a ship one of the curators was working on.  I opened up one of his workbench drawers nearby.  I had no idea why.  There were Jackie’s name and phone number on a small slip of paper.  Yeah.  Really!  Jackie had previously been hired to sew the sails for the model ship.  She was an excellent seamstress.

I had no idea what was up with Jackie, but I called anyway.  She answered and seemed somewhat surprised.  From what I gathered, she had met a guy and was thinking about marrying him.  I congratulated her and asked her if the wedding had been planned.  She reiterated that she was just thinking about it.  She asked to see me one more time.  Brittany was very happy and told me to marry Jackie.  For whatever reason … and one would have to ask Jackie about this … Jackie fell completely in love with me the second time we started dating.  But I couldn’t marry her.  Alicia still stood in the way.

In January of 1987, I traveled back to Argentina to see if there was anything there between Alicia and me.  I told Jackie that I had to know, and that if it didn’t work with Alicia, I would come back and marry her.  She agreed to watch Brittany and Joshua while I was gone.

WTF?  You might wonder.  Why in the world would Jackie accept that she was my second choice, that I could only be with her if my first choice, Alicia, didn’t work out?  Again, one would have to ask Jackie why she wanted anything to do with me after this.

God wanted Jackie with me, obviously.

I went to Argentina and first saw Fany, Alicia’s mother.  At this time, Alicia had a boyfriend and two kids of her own.  But she hadn’t yet married her boyfriend.  He wouldn’t let Alicia see me.  I didn’t get to see Alicia the first few days and didn’t push it, out of respect for her boyfriend.  I figured that I had my answer, owing to the fact that Alicia had her own two kids and appeared to be in love.  But Fany and I enjoyed our time together.  It was as if I had never left.  Estefania Piotroski de Olexen is one of the few mortals with whom I have had an incredible connection before my transfiguration.  She is on my mind to this day.  They just don’t make ’em like Fany Olexen.

Just before leaving to go back to the United States, Alicia wanted to see me and snuck away from her boyfriend.  We met.  She, like her mother, was still the wonderful woman who she is.  We talked for a while and I said to her, “I wish you the best always, Alicia.”  With tears in her eyes, she replied, “What if?”  I knew she meant what if she went back to the U.S. with her children and became the mother to mine.  I smiled, kissed her forehead and told her it probably wasn’t the best.  She humbly and tearfully agreed.  I knew then that Jackie was the only one for me.

I returned home to Jackie waiting for me at the airport with Brittany and Joshua.  Brittany saw me and sprinted into my arms.  Joshua was still very young and had a short memory.  He buried his head in Jackie’s arms, but quickly warmed back up to the eternal head of his priesthood-blessed family.

I married Jackie on April 7, 1987.  Once again, I had my eternal family unit in place.  But I could not get the things about the Church that I had discovered a few months previously out of my mind.

Jackie was incredible!  She was the best mother and wife a man could hope for.  Unlike Paula, she was ready to be a wife and mother and she seemed to love the kids as much as she did me … at least that’s what I thought.  On the same day that Jackie and I were married, Paula called me and said, “This is the worst day of my life.”

I had given Paula any chance she wanted to come back to me.  We even dated once after our divorce.  She came to Utah and I let Brittany be with her.  Paula could only do it for a couple of days before returning Brittany to me.  I was willing to give her back custody of Brittany and then we could work together.  But I was thinking this would bring us back together as a family.  Again, one would have to ask Paula why she refused.  She went back to Montana and we didn’t see or hear from her again until she showed up at Jackie’s and my house on Brittany’s birthday later that year (November 1987) with an armload of presents for Brittany.  What Paula didn’t know was that a few months previously, my entire perception and perspective on life had been transfigured.  Now I was playing a game, of sorts.  Paula had to play by new rules … rules which I was still trying to figure out at the time she unexpectedly showed up on Brittany’s birthday.

Jackie freed me up a lot and couldn’t have fulfilled her domestic duties better.  She was, again, an incredible woman.  I wasn’t in love with Jackie as a man should be when I married her, evidenced by the fact that Alicia was still on my mind and I had to absolve those feelings before choosing Jackie.  Unfortunately for Jackie, we were only married for two short months before my transfiguration took place.  After my brain was messed up, I didn’t know how to properly fall in love the way that worldly men are expected to do.  I did not see love, sex, or orthodox relationships the way that everyone else did.  But I loved Jackie the best that I could.

By being married to Jackie, I had a lot more time to think, and still with access to all parts of the LDS/Mormon Church properties, my personal investigation into the Church intensified.  It was this continued investigation that led me to my knees before the only God that I knew, and to the event of my transfiguration on June 16, 1987.

So what did I find out about the Church during my investigation?  What was the Church hiding from the world?

There is nothing that I found out that has not already been considered and studied by an honest researcher into Mormon history.  My investigation verified and provided me with empirical evidence that Joseph Smith, Jr. had told the truth just before he was murdered:

If I were to tell you all I know of the kingdom of God, I do know that you would rise up and kill me. … You don’t know me; you never knew my heart.  No man knows my history.  I cannot tell it: I shall never undertake it.  I don’t blame any one for not believing my history.  If I had not experienced what I have, I would not have believed it myself.”

My investigation and experience proved to me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a religion like every other religion.  The legal authority that runs the Church is called the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It is a corporate entity.  The Church leaders are paid like, and act like, corporate business leaders.  Under their corporate leadership, the LDS/Mormon Church has become one of, if not the, wealthiest religions on Earth.  I learned all this before my transfiguration.

After my transfiguration, I learned that Church leaders haven’t a clue about the Real Truth … the mysteries of God in their fullness.  They’re doing the best that they can, being as ignorant as they are.  I learned that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is as evil as any religion could possibly be, when “evil” is the actions of mortals that go contrary to the true purpose for which we, as advanced humans, participate in the experience of mortal life.

But the LDS/Mormon Church is held to a higher standard, with much more responsibility than other religions, because they have so many perfectly clear clues about the mysteries of God, i.e., the Real Truth.

A True Messenger was sent, first, to this religion, to see if they would apply the healing balm of Real Truth.  This healing balm would cause their blind eyes to see, their deaf ears to hear, and their lame walk to be straightened and directed to the path that leads to the Tree of Life, whose fruit is desirable and delicious to the taste …

“… [fruit], the whiteness thereof that exceeds all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof.”  (BOM, 3 Nephi 19:25)

… the Real Truth, a complete and full understanding of everything that there is to know about human reality—who we are and why we exist.

Unlike Joseph Smith, but true to his words, I am telling the world “all I know of the kingdom of God.”  And the world would rather kill me than consider the message I have been given … the knowledge that I have been given … an understanding that can save the human race.  But if rejected, will condemn it to destruction.

I know, Grandkids.  It all sounds so crazy.  Right?  I don’t blame anyone for not believing my history.  If I had not experienced what I have, I would not have believed it myself.

The world hates me for what I know.  Some of your grandmothers and parents hate me as the world does.  I don’t blame them.

But they have hated me without a cause.

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