Chapter 21: Selfishness

Many will say that your Ol’ Gramps is very selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but himself.  The “many” would be absolutely correct.

How could I not be selfish and completely self-centered after finding out that the entire reality of my conscious existence upon Earth is an involuntary product of my True Self’s advanced brain?

Everyone is completely selfish … ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.

If you’re not acting selfishly, then you’re not going to be happy.  If you do and think what others want you to do and think, what others need you to do and to think, what others expect you to do and think in order to support their desires and fulfill their expectations, then you’re not living and thinking for your own self.  You are living for them, and are selfless.  You are concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with your own.

But think about what selfless actually means.  If you’re selfless, you’re less your Self.  You are not who YOU really are.  YOU are who others want you to be, who they expect you to be.  You lack any authentication of YOU as an individual, as an independent life form with free will.  YOU are not really being YOU.

Remember, most everything that this world thinks is good is actually bad for the true purpose for which the mortal experience exists.  Always keep in mind that the reason why we exist as mortals is that we are dream characters performing an involuntary function for our True Self’s advanced brain.

If you understood this concept correctly, you would understand that none of us are really in control of what we do during our mortal existence; that we are participating in a dream that forms in the brain of our advanced body according to this brain’s needs.

Again, next time you dream, try to control what happens to you in the dream.  You can’t, can you?

And now, Ol Gramps is going to prove this concept empirically … or least give it my best.  Are you ready?

Think about the reality of how we all started out in our experience upon this earth.  We were little children.  We acted selfishly in all that we did as little children.  We had no concern for others, unless the concern led to another doing something for us.  Babies are upset when their mother is upset.  This is not because the baby has any real concern for the mother and why she’s upset (a baby couldn’t possibly understand why mom is crying), but because the mother’s attention and good emotions towards the baby have changed and are not serving the baby’s needs any longer.

Yep, little children are naturally what we were supposed to be like throughout our entire mortal existence.  Yep, selfish little fucks whose only concern is their own needs and curiously exploring the new world in which the little selfish shit now exists.

A little child, who is by nature very, very selfish and self-centered, is taught how to be selfless … how to lose the innocence and purity of a child and become a fucked up adult.  A little child is taught how to serve the needs of the fucked up adult (parent) who needs to be loved unconditionally in a world that doesn’t love the aged child (adult) unconditionally.

What better way for a selfish human to serve their own needs of love than to create another human who totally needs them and is completely dependent on them?  And what fucked up adult is going to choose to create a child and introduce the new human being into this fucked up world?  A world which will then throw the human out of its secure home at 18 years old, or sooner, forcing them to become a slave, losing their own self-worth and soul to a world created by a bunch of other humans, all trying to be loved unconditionally like they once were as a little child?

That’s really what this world is all about, Grandkids … finding someone or something to accept you for you, like your mom did when you were a little child, and loving you for YOU.

The world is populated by a bunch of aged children who were once loved and supported in their primordial (existing from the beginning) wants and needs, only to be taught to set aside their own needs and serve someone else’s.

The world loves you as you love it.  Another person is going to love you IF, and only IF, you love them back.  And if the person isn’t your mother, that bitch (speaking emphatically only to bring out a well-deserved point) is not going to love you for YOU.  She is only going to love you for loving her.  That’s right.  The selfish person with whom you fall in love has somehow convinced you that she (or he) has what you need, that she loves you, when in reality, during the dating and courting process you are trying to convince her that you have what she needs.

And it came to pass that all humans upon the earth began searching for the same unconditional love and acceptance that they naturally received from their mothers.  As the humans searched for this person, the need to be loved as they once were as a child was overwhelming.  But in order to be loved unconditionally, they had to pretend to love unconditionally, because everyone was after the same unconditional love.

And it came to pass that humans acted like they were selfless and wanted to give their heart and soul to another human.  They did this in order to serve the other human, which made the other human love them exponentially (more and more) to the same degree that they were serving the needs of the other.  And thus humans began to fall in love.

And it came to pass, that although the humans started out their relationship with someone who they felt would love them and serve their needs, it soon became apparent that neither human was in the relationship to serve the other, but to serve their self and their own needs.  So they married.  So they divorced.  And with the same degree that they once loved the other, they would come to hate the other.

When we were little children …

Smile and laugh and you will make mom smile and laugh and she will give you more attention.  And when laughing and smiling doesn’t work, because mom is in the other room and can’t see you laughing and smiling, then scream, yell, make as much noise as possible so that mom is annoyed enough to start giving you attention again.

Then mom starts putting guilt on you, “You’re not making mommy happy by doing that!”

Yep, by acting like a little selfish child, whose mortal brain is acting perfectly according to the needs of the child’s True Self’s advanced brain, the child is not making mommy happy.  In order to make mommy happy, the little child learns how to be an older child by serving mommy’s needs in order to get what the child wants from mommy.

The little child, the advanced human connected to a mortal infant’s brain, no longer acts for the true purpose for which it is supposed to exist, but begins to be selfless … unselfishly giving others what others need to feel good about their own existence.

What a fucked up world.  Right?

What if every new human who was born on this planet, from the day they were born to the day that they died, was treated like a little child?

What if every human had their basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, and healthcare provided for them, like little children do … or are supposed to … and the person is not forced to act, or allow themselves to be acted upon, for the sake of another?

What if this world was a place where a human could be created and act with unconditional free will to fulfill the needs that we all had as a little child: to do things OUR way?

What if none of us were forced to work to make someone else rich, so that the one for whom we are forced to work to survive can gain financial independence and advantage to do what that one wants?

When we were little children, we started out life acting perfectly in accord to why we actually exist as mortals in the first place—to exercise individual free will, which in turn serves the needs of our advanced brain dreaming the experience of mortal life.  What made it so that we could not fulfill the measure for which we were created?

The answer:

Others also wanted their own free will to be fulfilled.  Others see us as simple pawns in their own chess game of strategy, competing to see who can gain the ability to exercise more individual free will than another.  They don’t really see any harm that comes to us by forcing us to comply with and support their free will by being …

SELF … LESS.

Who the fuck came up with that word anyway?  Our fucking parents did!  What little child feels any guilt for being completely selfish and self-centered?  NONE.  Dumbass mortal parents teach the child to feel guilty and give up their Self to make their parents happy.

And who uses the word “selfishness” to their own advantage to a greater degree than any other aged child living upon Earth?  Religious fucks!

Oh, God wants us to be unselfish.  We show our unselfishness to God by giving 10% of our income … you know, the money we are fucking forced to make by making someone else rich in order to survive … to God.

What the fuck does God do with all that money?

I had to work the graveyard shift (11 p.m. to 7 a.m. the next day) on June 16, 1987.  I went to work with a smile on my face and a heart and mind brimming with the knowledge that I had access to every part of the LDS/Mormon Church.  Over the next few months, I would gain access to every room, every niche, every corner I could possibly explore behind the scenes of one of the wealthiest religions upon Earth.  I would have my friends working in the Security Center, located underneath Temple Square, pretty much under the huge flagpole at the Square’s center, disengage alarms for me while I explored.  Of course, they wanted to know what I was finding out, too.

My entire perception of the LDS/Mormon Church had changed, especially the way I viewed the Church leaders.  Now I knew they were just men who loved being acknowledged as special by the members of the Church.  Another security officer and I were walking through the underground tunnels when three General Authorities approached us.

“Here come the Three Stooges,” I said with a smile on my face.

“Hello Brethren, how are you today?”

They heard the “Three Stooges” remark.

In a couple of days, the Security Department released a department-wide memo that basically told all security officers to not speak to or address any General Authority unless the leader spoke to one of us first.  Yeah.  Fucking Really!

I then saw the Church leaders exactly how the intelligent Greek writers of the Jesus story saw ALL church leaders:

“Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.

Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.

Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess.

Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.

Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.

Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.”  (Matthew 23: 23-28)

every-member-of-the-first-presidency-and-the-quorum-of

Now,

To me, these guys weren’t really wicked and “full of iniquity.”  They each are advanced humans whose mortal life is playing out as their advanced brain needs their mortal life to play out.  And since all of these white-skinned, fair men had all of their basic human needs completely provided for, without any want or need, I knew that they being leaders of a religion was a life that was more consistent with the needs of their True Self.  Like all of ours, their True Self needs to be valued as all of our True Selves really are: the most important person in the universe.

When these religious leaders (very aged children) walk into a room filled with LDS/Mormons, the people in the room stand up … in awe.  Before June 16th, I was also in awe of them, in spite of the mortal weaknesses that I was witness to behind the scenes where most LDS/Mormons are not allowed or seldom see.  After June 16th, to me, the Twelve Apostles were the Twelve Stooges and the First Presidency was the Three Stooges.

Until I quit my job a few months later (February 1988), I had a smile on my face every time I would come across one of these “white whited sepulchres.”

I eventually made my way into the Church’s financial records, which at the time, weren’t secure at all.  I went to the Finance Department and lo and behold, on the desk of the Director, for some insane reason at the time, were the computer sheets that listed all of that month’s tithing receipts.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Think about this for a second:

(Keep in mind that this was 1987.)

Let’s say that there are 10 million LDS/Mormons on Earth.  The figure is very conservative.  Let’s say that out of the 10 million members, only 1/2 are active members.  That’s 5 million active members.  Let’s say of the 5 million active members, only 1/2 are honest and pay a full 10% of their income to the Lord so that they are worthy to go to the temple and receive God’s acknowledgment of their faithfulness.  (Yep, if you don’t pay a full tithe, you cannot go to the temple.)

So,

2.5 million people pay 10% of their income to the LDS/Mormon Church.  You’re considered poor and living in poverty if you only make $1000 per month.  So, hypothetically, so that we can continue to be very conservative, let’s say that the 2.5 million members are all poor and they pay $100 each.  That’s 250 fucking million dollars per month in tithing receipts … Tax fucking FREE!  That’s 3 billion (with a b) dollars a year!  To a fucking religion!

That’s what I found out in the Finance Department the night I went through their records … and that was way, way, way conservative!

What the fuck does God do with all that money?  God certainly isn’t investing it in taking care of the poor, because in the LDS/Mormon Church, once a month, twelve-year-old boys go door to door asking for donations for the poor.  No one gives anything close to 10% of their income for these “Fast Offerings”, as they are called.

God does with His money what the Bible says His anointed priests should do with His money: build lots of homes for God … not just ordinary homes, but ostentatious, extravagant homes of the finest materials and structures.

Currently, the LDS/Mormon Church has erected over 160 “Houses of God” throughout the world.

Check out one of my favorite Mormon Temples.

San-Diego-California-Temple1

WTF does God need over 160 of these houses for when millions of His creations are suffering in abject poverty and misery?

Besides its tithing receipts, the LDS/Mormon Church is worth billions and billions from the way that its anointed financial advisors have invested all that tithing in land, in the stock market, and in other business ventures.

But at the time, I still didn’t see the LDS/Mormons and their leaders as evil.  To me, they were living out the dream of mortal life the only way it could be lived in this fallen world.

Let me try to explain this as simply and clearly as I can:

Think about your immune system.

You have an entire world inside your body.  This world has laws and rules that you don’t even realize are controlling all the little people of this world.  Let’s call these little people in your body’s immune system, white blood cells.  These cells exist to fulfill the measure of their creation: destroy anything that is not supposed to be in your blood.  They do their job automatically and without you even thinking about it.  No matter how hard you think, you are not going to control your white blood cells and what they do.  They act independent of your free will, on their own, as they were designed to do, protecting your body from sickness and death.

What if you could humanize your white blood cells and see them as actual, living beings—which they actually are, created to do what they do—that have a specific purpose in life: to protect the purpose for which the body exists.

Okay?  Go with me on this …

Your advanced brain is made up of cells that have specific instructions to do specific things to fulfill the needs of this advanced brain.  Your advanced brain has a Mortal Experience System made up of specific cells that do what they are supposed to do.  One of these things is to allow your mortal life to begin by connecting to a wireless connective platform to which other advanced brains are connected, in order to allow the dream of mortal life to take place.

Your True Self gets to use its free will to connect to the platform, but once your advanced brain is connected, your True Self no longer has any more free will to perform the mortal experience than your mortal self has the free will to control the white blood cells of your immune system.

When we first connected to this platform with each other as advanced humans, allowing our advanced brain’s Mortal Experience System to do its thing (what it is supposed to do), there weren’t any bad cells, ones that didn’t belong.  But the longer we stayed connected to the platform and found ourselves dealing with other free-willed players, some of the perfunctory acts (carried out without effort or thought) of their cells started to not jive with our own.  These perfunctory cells not only produce the stimulation in the mortal world, but also record what happens.  These cells make up the Mortal Experience System, consistent with the needs of each advanced brain, which is unique and independent.

And it came to pass that the Cain cells began to kill the Abel cells and threw the entire MES into a MESS.

Have you ever wondered why modern aged children today like violent video games?  You can be a weak fuck and enter the game with an avatar and beat the shit out of or kill anyone you want.  What does your brain care?  It’s just a game.  Right?

The more people you kill, the better you feel about your own Self.  The better you feel about your own Self, regardless of what it takes to make you feel better about your Self, the happier you are.  This feeling of happiness is consistent with what the cells that make up your advanced brain’s Mortal Experience System need.

On April 6, 1945, the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on the men, women, and little ones living in Hiroshima, Japan.  The brain cells responsible for the MES of many Americans felt happy.  They cheered!  They said, “Yes!  Take that U.S boot up your fucking ass Japan!  Hell yes!”  And this response was perfectly in line with the needs of their true self’s brain cells … perfectly.

When Japanese suicide bombers took off from their home base, knowing that they were going to sacrifice their lives by destroying American naval ships, they were happy and proud.  This is because the cells in their advanced brains that create their mortal experience fought anything that was inconsistent and non-supportive of their true nature: the most important and incredible entity that exists, the True Self.

Hey … did you know that Jesus knew this, too?  Did you know that Jesus said that man would be forgiven of ALL his sins:  murder, rape, anything, regardless of what the act was, except one?  Here’s how Jesus said it:

“Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.”  (Matthew 12:31)

 Yep.  Even Jesus knew that nothing that we do in this mortal existence is going to not be forgiven and forgotten by the True God … except ONE:  Becoming selfless, denying the “holy” part of each of us, which is who we really are and why we really exist.

Jesus was the ultimate selfish person.  He didn’t care whose religion he offended.  He just let that sharp two-edged sword come out of his mouth … just like Grandpa does.

People whom the world sees as selfless are those who sacrifice their time in serving others.  People like it when they are seen as unselfish.  They are seen as being good people by others.  They feel good about themselves when others see them as unselfish … and there it is … there’s the point … “they feel good.”  They are unselfish ONLY because it feels good.  If it didn’t feel good, fulfilling their own selfish expectation of feeling good, would a person do it?  Would a person do something that he or she knew would make them feel bad about themselves?

Now, what the fuck was Grandpa supposed to do with this knowledge?  How was I supposed to act?

Your Grandpa would never intentionally hurt a fly … not a bug … without feeling bad about it.  Even though I know the bugs will forgive me, I just don’t have it in my selfish nature to kill them … unless they’re in my house where they’re not supposed to be.  An advanced human dreaming with me during this mortal life created a fly to eat all the decomposing flesh of the other animals that our selfish ancestors created for their selfish purposes, but flies annoy us.  So, I’m going to create a spider.  It’s the perfect bug.  A spider doesn’t smell.  It doesn’t make a sound.  And it kills flies.  A spider has perfectly arranged cell materials that serve a human purpose.  So, why are we afraid of little spiders that we can crush with a finger when they do so much good for us?

For the exact same reason that we are afraid of other people sharing our mortal experience and not acting like we need them to act.  We’ve got no problem killing spiders, or the person who threatens our purpose for living … no problem at all.

After I quit LDS Church security, I had Jackie throw away all of our worldly clothes and dress us like the Amish … very simple … very unworldly.  We gave away most of our possessions, loaded up a small trailer made from the back of an old Ford pickup, and headed for a place of great significance.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, it would be the last place where I would spend my very last incarnate … not as a twelve-year-old boy gathering Fast Offerings … but as a twelve-year-old Inpendius-like savant who will know who he is and what life is all about.  Then, instead of killing spiders and flies (animals that weren’t supposed to be part of the MESs we created on this planet), in that boy’s last act upon this earth, he will put the entire human race and everything that it has created over billions of years of mortal existence, out of its own misery.

There won’t be any more unhappy experiences created by the cells in the advanced brain’s Mortal Experience System.  Finally, there will be peace.

I moved Jackie (who was pregnant at the time), Brittany and Joshua to Grandview, Jackson County, Missouri.

We didn’t have any health insurance, but I knew I could deliver Jackie’s first child as well as any doctor could.  I could do it how it had been done for millions of years, ever since the first dumbass mortal started hiding the creation of a new person’s body in the womb of a female, only to be forced out with great pain and a lot of blood.  (Yeah, our advanced brain’s cells didn’t like this forced way of creating a new mortal body.)

But I knew how to deliver a baby perfectly.

Jackie was incredible.  On the front room floor of our small two-bedroom apartment in Grandview, Missouri, on April 9, 1988, Christopher Marc Nemelka, Jr., was born … WAIT … WTF?  Who is Christopher Marc Nemelka, Jr.?

Well, ask Grandma Jackie.  We had planned that if a boy was born, we were going to give the little guy my own name.  We had agreed upon it.  Shortly after he was born, I called the government offices that you have to call to report a home birth.  The lady on the other end of the phone asked me, “What is the baby’s first name?”

“Brandon Marc Nemelka” came out of my mouth!

“What?” Jackie called out from the other room.  “I thought we were going to name him Christopher Marc Nemelka, Jr.?” she confusingly inquired.

At the time, I had no clue why “Brandon” came out of my mouth rather than “Christopher, Jr.”

But keep in mind, my mortal brain was more closely connected to our real world, where our True Selves actually live.  Had Jackie’s firstborn taken my name, after all that I have done in confronting the world and calling it evil, after everything that I have done, that poor boy would never have the appropriate chance to become his own Self.  He would have always been associated with my name.

Selfishly, it would have been cool to have another human named after me.  But Grandpa’s True Self can hardly kill a bug.  How the fuck was I going to give Brandon a name that would have destroyed his imperfect mortal life?

And you can bet your sweet, grandchild ass that Grandma Jackie is so glad that I didn’t give her firstborn son my name.  Jackie pretty much hates my guts and thinks I’m a nutcase.

I was living life as I wanted, not how Jackie particularly wanted, and certainly not like my family and Paula’s family wanted.  Living like a poor migrant worker?  What kind of life was that for Paula’s children?

To me, it was the perfect life … one in which I didn’t give a rat’s ass what the world thought.  I was going to help my children learn how to be happy, completely consistent with their True Self.

But anyways …

 

 

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